Finding Grace in the Chaos

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting over the last couple of days.

Just recently, it was my brother’s birthday—and around the same time, my power chair was officially declared beyond repair. Unfixable. “Nuts” doesn’t even begin to cover it. The plan was to give me a loaner and hope I could make do. But God had another plan.

That whole weekend, everything seemed to pile on at once. My husband had to be away working—how dare he make us money, right?!—and on top of that, my car was down, too. I had no power chair, no car, and I felt completely defeated. People kept telling me, _”Nissi, you just have to feel your feelings.”_ And I was like, _”If I feel them any more, I’m going to jump off a cliff!”_

To top off the chaos, I couldn’t find our dog Shiloh’s e-collar remote. I’m pretty sure the baby threw it in the trash, and out it went. Anything that _could_ go wrong _was_ going wrong.

Except for my husband and my baby. They were absolutely incredible, like they always are. On Friday, my husband told me, _”Baby, all I have to do is button up the car, and you’ll have a ride.”_ And like the selfish little brat I can be, I just thought, _”Great, but I still don’t have my power chair.”_

Fast forward to today: The weight of everything has finally lifted.

I am happy to say I have my power chair back—the real one, not a loaner. My car is officially up and running (with working AC!), and my confidence in my husband’s mechanic skills has soared.

The Lord is so good to me, you guys. I honestly don’t know why He is so faithful, especially during times when I feel so _blah_. Lately, I’ve been looking at old photos of myself, trying to remember what it felt like to be in that place of pure joy. But looking back, something kept popping into my head: I wasn’t actually happier back then. I was just living in complacency.

For the first time in a long time, I am actually okay with where I am right now.

Yes, I’ve gone through some heavy stuff over the last 12 years. I have physical and emotional scars. But I am so much better for them today. I’m prepared to say I’m proud of my scars—my stretch marks from pregnancy, my body changes from everything else. I am proud of this body and all it has carried me through. Our bodies are our temples, and God calls us to be good stewards of them. Be kind to your body, no matter where you are right now.

If there’s one main thing I want to leave you with, it’s this:

For two months, silently I screamed, cried, and wailed about not having my chair. But I wasn’t crying out to the Lord until this past weekend. Maybe because I thought my problem was too minuscule for Him? I spent two and a half months trying to force myself to be “patient and content,” but I was miserable.

The exact second I turned around and said, You know what? I give this to You,” He took care of it. He made things work.

Don’t wait until the last minute to cry out to God. Trust in Jesus, y’all. He is patient, He is kind, and He is so good.

That’s where I’m at today. Thanks for letting me share Guys!!!