Choosing Joy in hard seasons

I’ve tried to rewrite this so many times, but the words never seemed good enough. Still, here I am, choosing to show up anyway. Today is a good day because I chose for it to be a good day.

So much has been happening all at once. In some areas of my life, I feel a strange sense of déjà vu, while in others, I’m walking through challenges that are completely new. This season has been teaching me something difficult but necessary: I am not always going to have the answers, and life does not always tie itself up in a neat, happy ending.

But day by day, things are not quite as heavy as they once were. Thank the Lord for medication, for a good therapist, for an understanding husband, and for the compassionate people God has placed around me. More than anything, I praise Jesus for the firm foundation I have in Christ. Depression is no small battle, and I do not say that lightly.

Joy in the middle of the storm

In the middle of all of this, it was such a gift to celebrate Gideon’s first birthday surrounded by friends and family. I still can hardly believe an entire year has already passed. Time really does move so quickly. Yet even while I was planning and preparing for his birthday party, I was also facing the loss of so many of the state benefits I depend on — Medicaid, physical therapy, massage therapy, aqua therapy, and Sommer’s paycheck. 

At this point, all of it is gone unless I can get Medicaid reinstated in the next couple of months. I submitted the wrong paperwork, and now all I can do is wait even longer. On top of that, my chair broke right before my coverage ended. By God’s grace, it was repaired in time.

And truly, I do not know what I would do without Sommer. She has so graciously continued showing up, even without a paycheck for the foreseeable future. That kind of kindness humbles me more than I can say.

Why I’m sharing this

I’m not sharing any of this because I want pity or validation. I’m sharing it because I know I’m not the only one walking through a hurricane season in life. If that’s where you are right now, I want you to know this: you are not alone.

That has been my message from the very beginning. I do not have it all together. I do not have every answer. And if I’m honest, that has been one of the hardest parts for me. I don’t like sitting in the unknown. I don’t like not being able to explain how everything will work out.

But even in the middle of uncertainty, one thing continues to remain: my faith. Time and time again, people have reminded me that even when I feel weak, my faith is still strong. And they’re right. My faith has carried me through some of the hardest moments of my life. I know God is faithful. I know He will come through in the end, even if I cannot yet see what that will look like.

Coming Back to Life

Honestly, writing this post has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It has been a long time since I’ve felt truly inspired — or even capable of inspiring anyone else. But deep down, I know it is still there.

Right now, it may only feel like an ember, but I can feel God breathing on it. I can feel myself slowly coming back to life. I love being a wife. I love being a mom. Those are beautiful and precious parts of who I am. But above all else, my identity will always be rooted in this truth: I am a daughter of the King, and my life is a banner for Hm.

P.S. Every one of these beautiful photos was captured by my dad — a man who truly has a passion for photography. Be sure to show him some love! https://www.instagram.com/trueformportraits?igsh=amxkNHFrZnhxdzNt